Friday, May 25, 2007
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
- Aristotle
i'm a story teller...give me the chance and i'll try to tell you an amusing anecdote...and in every one there's there will always be some basis of truth, even if the details are highly apocryphal and exaggerated. this is one such story. out of respect for the dead it is being told exactly as it happened, only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
outside of new braunfels, texas, there exists a world not like our world. a place where baboons run wild, where small mexican children are unafraid of ferrell giallinas, where ramona has a keen sense of humor. this is a pungent place, this is bat country, this is SNAKE FARM...
in this abandoned reptile house the specimens are so deadly that they were simply abandoned along with it. sentenced to an eternity of darkness and imprisonment they've simply gone mad and developed a taste for human flesh. these hellish beasts ran free, king cobras the size of my leg, black mambas that walk erect, snapping turtles living and mating with alligators, diamond back rattlers that can eat entire cows, bats ambushing innocent passers-by. until one day a brave hero and his only slightly retarded sidekick braved the wilderness to battles reptiles to save the reptiles from the reptiles...
SNAKE FARM...in theaters this summer. featuring the music of cake, ray wylie hubbard and celine dieon, the directorship of steven spielberg, the misleading comedic stylings of robin williams, a list of stars (including/but not limited too) drew barrymore, carrot top, gary cenise, bruce willis, morgan freeman, the ghost of orson welles, tim robins, george w. bush, george h.w. bush, george foreman, george burns, and george baumbach.
SNAKE FARM is rated R for disturbingly bad filming of snakes and one scene where jake wets himself like a little girl.
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